How to Be Good in Bed

'Fuck for Me Tonight' courtesy of Balthazar

Being good in bed, it's more an art than a science, amirite? And defining "good in bed" is a bit like defining obscenity--you know it when you see it/taste it/feel it. No matter if you're straight, gay, somewhere else on the continuum, vanilla, poly, kinky, or a virgin, everyone has the tools to be good in bed. How you kiss, touch, fuck, and more might not be to every partner's liking, but here are a few thoughts on ways to up your game.

1) Be decisive.
Know what you want from your experience and be willing to share it with your partner. While an enthusiastic verbal assent might seem goofy, use your words. Don't limit your communication to grunts and touches. Giving and getting pleasure takes some explicit action and more than a muffled "uh-huh, yeah baby."

2) Take it slow.
Slow can be sensual, rough, intense, teasing, mellow, hot, and anything else you want it to be. Whatever you're doing, find a way to extend the pleasure you're giving to your partner. If she likes it rough, explore different ways to manhandle her. If you know she enjoys a spanking, consider exploring different ways of burnishing her bottom, working up from an open-palmed smack to a crop or a paddle. Time can be on your side when you want to increase the sensuality of an experience.

3) Create anticipation.
This is different from building expectations, which can sometimes result in misunderstandings when expectations fail to align. Instead, find ways to communicate your erotic imaginings to your partner. Leave a naughty note in an unexpected place. Work up the courage to send a suggestive (or explicit) sext. Find beautiful images that express things you want to try or remind you of previous experiences. Use these elements to spark your partner's imagination and libido.

4) Be safe.
Take care of yourself. Be healthy. Use birth control and condoms. Be honestly concerned about your partner's health and do your utmost to keep him or her safe. Choose a safe word or use the red/yellow/green system to keep things in check. Being prepared is smart and sexy.

5) Be vulnerable.
Allow yourself to be open to experimentation and open to suggestions. Feeling nervous and apprehensive is pretty much par for the course when you're naked with somebody new. But don't let nervous giggles keep you from trying something when the thought of it makes your nipples hard and gives you excited goosebumps. And then let your partner know how fucking good it felt to let your guard down and try something new. And if something your partner desperately wants to try runs up against your hard limits, open it for discussion but be true to yourself.

6) Be enthusiastic.
When you clearly want to fuck your partner, to make him or her feel good, that enthusiasm is palpable and even contagious.

7) Know yourself.
Know your pleasure spots. If you don't know how to get yourself off, it's going to be hard to help a partner get to know your body. Likewise, know your hard limits. Is anal really not your thing? That's OK. Don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or crosses your hard lines.

8) Be empathetic.
But don't ask you partner "is that OK?" every 5 seconds! Sometimes, despite our best intentions, stuff we're doing in bed just isn't working for the other person. It's not necessarily a reflection on you--that particular activity just may not suit the mood, or maybe it feels too intense (or not intense enough). Likewise, if you're the one asking your partner to stop and recalibrate, be cool about it and let them know that you're still game for something else.

9) Have fun!
Sometimes we take sex soooooo seriously. Getting naked with another person can be a huge step, fraught with anxiety, when it's just a really fucking awesome way to have super free and naked playdate. I'm not saying skip the loving tenderness or deep, soulful looks into your partner's eyes. Do those things, by all means. But don't forget that sex is about pleasure and pleasure is fun.

10) Be passionate.
Focus on your partner, explore and find out what gets them off, and bring a red-hot intensity to the proceedings. Find ways to express your passion that sync with your partner's needs. If you and she/he are verbally or aurally stimulated, use some filthy hot words to express your excitement (note: at the right moment, words of passion whispered in my husband's ear make him come like a fucking train). If you're both more physically inclined, get back to those sexy soulful looks, or maybe a nip and a strategic smack on the ass will make your point.

Ten always seems like the right, round number for these sorts of lists, but it seems I forgot an important item. Learn. To. Kiss. I can remember all the really good kissers I've ever kissed, and not one of them was a letdown in the bedroom.

Alright, friends. Go forth and fuck and be divine in bed!