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| Photo by Aurore Érotique |
So I’m getting a little sick and frustrated with this “watching porn made me hate my pussy” business. I get that it’s another beauty “standard” that women feel they must live up to, but I’m going out on a limb and calling bullshit. When we don’t live up to the beauty standards we ourselves have identified as the important ones, then we feel inadequate, unattractive, self-conscious, and worse. And then sometimes we strike out not only at the beauty standard, but also at the women who embody it—how many articles have we read about “real” women versus fashion models? Or “natural beauties” versus bottle blondes? The fundamental problem with these arguments is that they become ad hominem attacks on the women who naturally embody these beauty ideals and had no hand in establishing them. And further, we chastise those women for contributing to a culture that perpetuates the existing beauty ideal.
Why am I so riled up about this? Because I have a porn star pussy and I’m sick and tired of other women making me feel ashamed for having one. As my friend D from DumbDomme noted in a recent post, the pussies we have are an accident of birth. We had no hand in creating them and in general we have no ability to change them (short of surgery) with the exception of the hairstyle. While D and I have different feelings about our pussies, we both experience feelings of shame.
In my case, that shame is actually inflicted by others and not by some innate sense that I’m not perfect or beautiful according to an existing standard. I fully support the desire and interest to see more vulvar variety in art and porn, and if possible, I support even more the idea that variety is good and that exposure to many vulvas that look different is beneficial for both men and women, no matter one’s orientation. What I don’t support is the suggestion that because one has a vulva of the porn star persuasion that one's pussy is somehow less “real” or less “normal” than a pussy that looks different from that ideal.
There’s not much about me that conforms to contemporary beauty standards. I don’t have long blond hair or a size 2 tush. My tits are big and jiggly and I have a mole in a less-than-ideal spot. In my opinion my ass is a bit saggy and my thighs could be slimmer. And as true as all that is, it doesn’t mean I’m not attractive, or dare I say, beautiful. Let’s go a step farther: I might even be considered hot.
And one more step beyond: I don’t assume that you, whoever you are, will assume that I’m not attractive based on my own skewed ideas of what true beauty looks like. Because what’s beautiful and attractive to me may not be the next guy or gal’s cup of tea. And that’s fucking great. While people may have preferences, it doesn’t mean that all humans are incapable of noticing and appreciating a wide spectrum of beauty.
If we hole ourselves into the idea that we’re unattractive because of one feature, whether it be the curliness (or straightness) of our hair, the size (or lack thereof) of our ass, or the flappiness or symmetry of our pussy lips then, we are just buying into generations of women of beating up on women and perpetuating that bad behavior. We hate ourselves because someone else told us to. And in my book that is just plain bullshit.
I fully accept that it’s hard to acknowledge the irrelevance of society’s judgments about our looks and that it’s likely harder for most women to just plain ignore them to the extent necessary to feel self-confident. But let’s be real here: it’s not porn that making us hate our pussies. It’s a culture of girl-on-girl warfare that asserts that we all have problem areas and must spend a lifetime and many dollars improving them. Sorry, I don’t play that game.
Stay tuned for part 2 and a different take on this from Livia!
(I'm responding to both posts -- the one here, and the one on your blog.)
ReplyDeleteI finally reached a tipping point the other night after reading Tracy Clark-Flory's Salon piece on labia pride. Though they may not intend to, some of these sites profess to show "real" labia of "real" women, as though to say that the labia of porn stars that look a certain way aren't "real."
The problem here is that none of the projects cited in TCF’s piece do what you suggest. (Caveat: I did not read every single post on these projects -- I did read their introductions, “about” pages, and browse some of the posts and submissions.)
From what I can see of the Large Labia Project in the first few pages and in the “About” section, there is nothing that suggests the “porn star” aesthetic you describe isn’t “real.” Quite the contrary, several of the user submitted photos are very close to the “porn star” aesthetic you describe.
In fact, the author of the project explicitly encourages women of all aesthetics to submit: “And girls if you aren’t big-lipped, I’m happy for you to participate too if you’d like to contribute in solidarity. This is really all about diversity, and tiny little labia are just as normal as the largest ones.” [emphasis added] So, the LLP doesn’t call you “unreal.”
Molly’s Pussy Pride Project info page doesn’t mention size, nor does it mention “real” or “unreal.”
From what I see on Courageous Cunts (the site is difficult to navigate), nothing there seems to call the “porn star” aesthetic “unreal." The reference to the “Barbie look,” isn’t the terminology of the site author(s) -- it’s the language of a doctor who is quoted about procedures he/she performs.
So, I don’t see how these projects do what you suggest.
Also, I disagree with your suggestion that other women (not porn) is what's causing the culture of shame.
ReplyDeletelet’s be real here: it’s not porn that making us hate our pussies. It’s a culture of girl-on-girl warfare that asserts that we all have problem areas and must spend a lifetime and many dollars improving them.
sometimes we strike out not only at the beauty standard, but also at the women who embody it
I don't see the girl-on-girl warfare you suggest, nor do I see women striking out against other women who embody the beauty standard. Women with large labia aren't blaming women with small labia for their body image issues -- they're blaming porn for promoting one particular aesthetic over others.
They aren't blaming other women... but you are.
I have a porn star pussy and I’m sick and tired of other women making me feel ashamed for having one.
In my case, that shame is actually inflicted by others and not by some innate sense that I’m not perfect or beautiful according to an existing standard.
It seems as if you're lashing out at other women by accusing them of lashing out at you (or your aesthetic). I just don't see much evidence of that, at least, not in the projects I'm familiar with and the projects TCF cited. Those projects seem to promote variety. Their assertion that larger labia are “also normal” isn’t an indictment against smaller labia as abnormal. It’s an “also/and,” not “either/or.”
But ironically, what might support your assertions about girl-on-girl warfare and women causing other women's shame is your own language.
UPDATE: Someone asked me what the definition of "porn star pussy" is. My reply: " It's an annoying aesthetic definition some 'labia pride' folks have identified as the size 0 supermodel of pussies. Basically it's overall symmetrical, with small labia minora that don't protrude, no 'flapping.'
First, I can’t find any indication that “labia pride” people call that particular aesthetic “the size 0 supermodel of pussies.” I searched for several combinations of these terms and I didn’t find them. Maybe they exist somewhere, but this isn’t the description that labia pride folks use.
Your language to describe your own aesthetic is interesting in contrast to the language you use to describe my aesthetic. You could have stuck to the less connotative terms symmetrical/asymmetrical and hidden/protruding. But instead, you described yours as a “size 0 supermodel” and mine as “flapping.” You have to admit there's a difference in the positive/negative connotations of those descriptions. In this way, calling your aesthetic a “size 0 supermodel” and calling my aesthetic “flapping” actually does support your argument that women make other women feel ashamed, but I don’t think this is what you intended, nor how you wanted to make your argument.
I'm not sure why you're offended by this labia pride movement. Its very positive to show women and men there's a huge variety in shapes and sizes of labia in women... something that is really not shown in the vast majority of porn.
ReplyDeleteThat's the essential problem. I don't watch a lot of porn, but what I have seen in mainstream porn the labia of the women are all pretty identical... it wasn't until I started browsing tumblr and found blogs like the labia pride project (and there are others) that I saw the wide variety that labia came in.
I've seen so many comments by women who submit to these blogs on how they viewed this part of their body as ugly or unattractive because they never knew they were completely normal. Just as men can fall into the trap of small dick syndrome (when they are average), women have this problem.
The problem is the porn industry, for the most part, doesn't view larger labia as beautiful and the ideal is there. And then some cosmetic surgeons found ways to capitalize on this unattractive fear and we have women paying money to look like porn stars. It's a terrible, misogynistic view of the world.
I've seen quotes from women who have had partners ask what was wrong with their labia or say their labia was ugly for being so big. It's a cultural problem and a porn problem.
I have no idea why you're offended over this idea of showing women they are normal regardless of labia size and shape. Have you ever had to doubt whether your labia was normal or attractive? Have you ever had to fear what a potential partner might think because you've never seen another one look like it?
I have a confession to make - I'm not familiar with the various labia projects (Pussy Pride etc) that Liza refers to in the piece above (though I shall certainly read in ernest now!). My response to this post was a completely personal and emotive one, based solely on how the pussies I see in porn have cast doubt over the attractiveness or desirability of my own lady bits.
ReplyDeleteMy interpretation of Liza's post though, was that she was highlighting a rather sad fact when it comes to perceived beauty, be it the prettiness of your pussy or any other part, and this is that you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. You're scrutinised if your pussy is lovely and symmetrical and your scrutinised if your pussy is (still lovely) asymmetrical. Why? This hardly seems fair.
Just as size zero catwalk models aren't generally classed as "normal (or real) women," the pussies of the porn stars are deemed in the same light it would seem. So surely it's not completely outside the realm of possibility to understand why someone - a real woman with a real pussy no less - with a pussy not disimilar to the standard seen in the majority of porn, would now feel a little self conscious of her own cunt if it looks like those off the screen in the same way that a perfectly healthy woman with skinny catwalk model aesthetics is assumed to have some sort of eating disorder.
We are all different. No size or shape or colour or creed is right or wrong. There is beauty inside us all and this needs to be harnessed and celebrated rather than berated and constantly scrutinised by others (men AND women).
The bottom line is that Liza has a porn star pussy. And it is a perfectly normal pussy. I do not have a porn star pussy. And mine is a perfectly normal pussy. Women reading this post, guess what...your pussies are all normal.
And off I go in search of that Mean Girls DVD - I can't think why! ;)