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| You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss |
This morning, I received a text message from a close friend with a link to Are you and your partner TOO CLOSE to have great sex? Aside from the fact that the text completely perplexed me in the first place, I was somewhat saddened by what I read. The Daily Mail does not form part of my daily reading and part of me wishes I hadn't made it so today. Cox's opening gambit sent chills down my spine and the nauseating feeling I sometimes get when I think of whether or not I should be having more sex rushed to the fore once more.
"...sometimes the emotional intimacy that comes from a long-term devoted relationship can actually hinder passion between the sheets."
Really? Really...?
I am married, and happily so. My husband is my best friend, my soul mate, and every other romantic and whimsical title you can think of. We are intimate often, though the frequency of our sex life is sometimes a little less than I would like. There are a few reasons that account for this, reasons that will come as no surprise to anyone: our hectic working schedules, our demanding day jobs leading to tiredness and exhaustion, my other commitments such as assignment deadlines and networking events, and those usual hang-ups a woman has about her body and her lady-parts. However, never have I accounted for the danger of intimacy. Is it really a contributing factor?
According to Cox, research in the field by experts such as psychotherapist and sexpert (urgh, I hate that term!), Jack Morin, indicates that "...Genuine closeness turns out to be a turn off. Familiarity and comfort are welcome bedfellows for relationships but they're lethal for your love life."
So what is the answer? To distance yourself from your respective other, begin to cut yourself off emotionally in the hope that the 'separateness' enhances sexual chemistry? Whilst I do understand some of the musings in this article, is this really healthy for a married couple? Hmmm, doubtful.
Fortunately, after scaring the shit out of me, Cox does go some way to alleviate the excruciating terror of a sexless life with my best friend/husband by saying that all we need to do is spread our wings and set flight on a solo voyage once in a while. Doing our own thing and creating a distinct sense of self and individualism will once again get the sexual fires burning.
I'd love to know your thoughts, because right now I'm left thinking, what hope is there for my marriage?
Photo credit: .craig / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
I also read this article a few days ago and was quite disturbed too, we've always been very emotionally close caring, if possible, too much about what the other is doing/feeling. We have also had a relatively lean period sexually of late. But thenwe do also do separate things too and don't live in each others pockets all the time. Perhaps both intimacy and desire are something your relationship either has or doesn't have at a given point and both wax and wane over the course of the relationship. I don't think the two are or should be mutually exclusive. At least I damn well hope not!
ReplyDeleteI think you might find this interesting viewing. I think it deals with this subject really well.
ReplyDeletehttp://freddyandeddy.com/wordpress/esther-perel-the-secret-to-desire-in-a-long-term-relationship/
Mollyxxx
I'm glad Molly recommended Esther Perel. She's great, and the TED talk they link to is worth watching. Jack Morin's book, "Arousal," is actually not as pessimistic on the subject as you make him out to be. And I would add Stephen Mitchell's "Can Love Last," as a great read on the subject.
ReplyDeleteI've not gone the conventional monogamous route, and I've found the unconventional route we've taken enormously helpful in precisely the ways suggested by all of these books. But the monogamish path we've taken isn't for everyone.
I think the key, whatever path you take, is realism: the biggest threat monogamy faces is the expectation that monogamy should be easy, that you should always and only want to fuck your partner. Not saying you should fuck others, but marriages run aground when people are surprised at how hard monogamy; couples who appreciate the dynamics detailed by Perel, and Morin, and Mitchell, and who are committed to staying the course in the face of open acknowledgement of them - now THOSE are some strong marriages.
I'm glad she did too, I'm actually reading Perel's 'Mating in Captivity' as a result and plan to delve further into the Danger of intimacy issue once I've finished.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the further recommendations - I'm trying to explore as much as possible on the subject at the moment!
Livia